It’s not been easy for me lately. I’ve been in a blue funk and it’s not been funky. Let downs, meltdowns left me down in the dumps. I’m no chump. I'm well versed in the blues. But this tune doesn’t sound so cool. It’s no laughing matter at that. It’s a tune of crying out to God, much weeping, anxiety attacks, some suicidal thoughts; feeling abandoned, lost, betrayed, alone, and worthless accompanied by the odd screams of frustration with percussive accents of pounding my clenched angry fists into a pillow. I wish all this intense personal struggle was because of the terrible state of this world. But it’s not. It’s to do with friends. I don’t like sharing this much personal feelings on my pages and I prefer not to glorify any friends who let me down and don't appreciate me. I’ve lived a life where I've learned to instinctively expect rejection from most potential friends, but these three knew much better and they were actually genuinely sympathetic to me. But then... I don’t know when... suddenly they changed and they have forsaken me when I needed them most. All they had to do was something good to help me, something so easy and simple anybody could do it... but they chose not to. When you’re heart’s this broken you question everything, you don’t trust anything. I feel like I’m barely hanging on. But at least there are very few friends who do care. Like my friend who we shall call "Rivers" who actually cares whether or not he hurts mine or anybody’s feelings even in the slightest. I thank God for him. By the way...
To "Rivers" Mom: You’ve shown me the most respect. Thank you, I’m grateful for this. I’m out of the loop. I’m in the dark. I feel so lost. My email is at the end of this post. Please email me as soon as you can. Please.
It’s very difficult to see progress in the realm of friends — especially when hearsay from uncertain sources is all you’ve got to go on. But at least with drawing and painting you can see clear tangible solid progress as it happens. Even when life looks hopeless I can see my artwork manifesting as I tediously work away at it. I thought I’d work on “I See You” and see what happens. I contemplated adding light blue to this large beautiful wolf’s eyes in 2019 but I was hesitant. More recently I took the plunge. Instead of a light somewhat aqua blue I accidentally blended the coloured led pencils into a particular shade of sky blue. It’s a nice shade of blue that as a result of accidentally using one or two metallic Crayola pencils now the wolf’s eyes shift colour at different lighting and angles. Something positive!
"I See You" charcoal, graphite, coloured pencils on 18" x 24" drawing paper
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